Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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