She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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