FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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