He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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