you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
