I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
