I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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