just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
