She is in my trunk
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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