he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
