so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
