The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
