Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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