im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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