i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i think my mom watched the whole time
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
