I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
worst night to have a conscience
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
