I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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