I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
