Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
