My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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