It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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