I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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