My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
