Heybabeimwearingurpanties
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
