Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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