I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
sarcasm needs its own font
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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