just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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