Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
