I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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