You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
