Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
