tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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