If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
