the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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