did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
