So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
