you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
