I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize