My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
