I never want to see another naked old woman again.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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