after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
