so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
