i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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