bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
