I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
