Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
