I want to walk on stilts...naked
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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