Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
