Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Randomize
