I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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