we have officially lost it.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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