Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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