evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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