My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
