When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
there is glitter all over my balls
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize