Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
