but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
