im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
