the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
40s are totally the cure
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
