I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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