My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
