I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
