When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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