She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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