I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
