What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
