I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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