My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
